Thursday, October 27, 2011

Never ending story . . .

I am sitting here feeling agitated by a story that will not go away. It is a story filled with the drama of heartache, anger, accusation, and betrayal. Most of all, though it seems to be continually perpetuated outside of me, I feel it all the way to my soul. It is exhausting. The tendency is to want everyone else to stop doing what they are doing that makes me feel so uncomfortable. But that NEVER works. The story is mine alone.

I am not certain that people ever change. I know I am basically the same person I have always been . . . a bit audacious with a fear of my own vulnerability. This means I often appear demanding and rigid to the outside observer. In reality, I am just frightened about not being loved. Every defensive action on my part is simply a cover-up for this fear. It is symptomatic of someone who does not really trust her own value in this world.

I now realize that this story is not aggravated by the actions of the other players in the drama, but by me projecting the hurts of my past onto every moment of my present and future. I long for peace. So, what can I do?

I am grateful that I do not have to wait for the final curtain to find peace in this story. I only need to be present in this moment. In fact, I notice that while writing this blog, the story does not exist. Funny how that works! When my mind is occupied elsewhere, there is no drama.

So perhaps the story is truly never ending. But that does not mean I have to worry about the ending . . . I only need to be here, now . . . in the current scene. That thought makes this story seem much more manageable, and already I feel more peaceful!

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